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UNION FENOSA visit #1
Of course, it was understood from the get go that I couldn't move until there was luz in
the son's apt. The hag assured me that the power would be on at the time of the move and
the transition would be smooth and tranquil. One day (several weeks before The Move)
the hag said we needed to go to Union Fenosa and switch the luz. Mine to her and her
son's to me. It was raining and she wanted to take a cab. She said she was resfriado and
couldn't tolerate a drop of water on her person. But she didn't have an umbrella. She had
a washcloth on her head and was wearing a large black plastic trashbag as a raincoat. She
looked like a freak. I accompanied her to the main drag and waited for her to try to hail a
cab. No cabs stopped for her. I wanted to take the bus but she scorned and ridiculed me
and that idea. I became impatient so she said for me to go ahead by bus since she had to
go to the Banco Nacional first anyway. The tranque was so bad I decided to do the 45
minute walk to Plaza Obarrio. I knew I would still get there before her. I got there 45
minutes later, took a number, and still waited almost an hour before she showed up. We
finally took our place in front of the functionary and she succeeded in getting her light bill
switched to my old apt but not mine. Why? because a completed official new rental contract
had to be done with the Ministry of Housing (MiVi) before they would open a new
account for me. So for me, it was a total waste of time. She knew or should have known.
THE MOVE took place about 3 weeks later without my light bill being transferred to the
new apt.
CABLE AND WIRELESS
Later that same day, the hag and I went to cable and wireless in Plaza Concordia to switch
services. She needed phone and I needed phone plus internet. In my case, I presume it is
basically a matter of extending the existing cable farther to the rear. I got a number 910
and she got a number 911. My number got called and I did my thing and I was told
service would be done in 3-4 working days. Then we waited and waited for her number
to be called and she was never called. She got mad and huffy and cranky. She had to get
a new number and start from the beginning which greatly prolonged our stay there. She
accused them of never calling her number. Most likely she wasn't paying attention and
never heard it.
THE LINEA BRUJA
I am not sure what they call it when people illegally connect to power poles and steal
electricity. I have seen it on TV here. It's something bruja (meaning witch or demon).
Linea bruja or connexion bruja. Something like that. When the move started, I was
surprised to see there was power in the son's apt into which I was moving since my
account was never switched to the new apt. The siamese twins had been separated so in
theory there should have been power in the hag's old apt (there was) but none in the son's
apt. I asked the son and he smugly admitted that he had rigged some kind of device
whereby he was getting power for free. He wouldn't tell me how he did it but he said I
had power for free until I got my account set up. He was proud of his chicanery but he said it was risky because if caught stealing electricity the fine is one or two thousand dollars. He said he had arrived from Colombia three weeks ago and couldn't live here without AC. He said he couldn't maintain an erection during sex without AC. I told him that doesn't seem to bother his fellow Panas here. It was very cold in the apt like a walk in freezer. He likes his AC nice and frigid. He also bragged about how he gets pirated DVDs in Colombia for 50 cents and how he got pirated Windows 7 Ultimate for a dollar or two. So I finally got moved in and spent the night in my bed in the new apt. It was the evening of 11/30.
The next day (12/1) I was relaxing in my new hovel -- I mean apt -- reading a book (no
phone or internet yet) and suddenly all the lights went out. Since relatively short power
outages are common here, I thought it was that. But I went outside and noticed that all
the exterior lights on the building were on and everyone else had power. I walked up front
and saw an ominous Union Fenosa service truck parked in front and two service men
were standing at the side of the front house next to the power meters. The hag was
arguing with them from the window inside. They were the power police. They had cut
off the illegal power connection. The hag began to moan and complain and bitch about a
possible $1000 fine and said it was all my fault and I would have pay it. She said it was
my fault because I had not somehow divined the need for the second contract sooner and
had not paid the second deposit sooner and had not gone to the Ministry of Housing and
gotten all this done posthaste as if I knew how to navigate the Byzantium labyrinths of
Panamanian bureaucracy by myself. At this point, I truly despise this woman. She is truly
insane. Naturally, I told her I wasn't going to pay ni mierda. The hijo mayor had already
left for Colombia dumping the problem in the hag's lap.
THE MINISTRY OF HOUSING (MiVi) visit #1 (sometime in November)
The very name of this institution evokes something you might read about in communist
literature like The Gulag Archipelago by Alexander Solzenitzhen. In the US, a rental
contract and the associated deposit is a simple, private matter between the rentee and the
landlord. Here the government gets involved and supplies an official government
sanctioned rental contract and they take and hold onto the deposit (which pays no
interest). It is located in Plaza Edison on some major artery in the city.
Several weeks ago, we went to MiVi for the first time. This was to apply for a refund of
my first deposit in preparation for the move. (I had never gone there originally when I first rented the apartment. I had filled out the contract on her property and I suppose she had trotted it down to MiVi herself.) The hag filled out a form for my devolucion de deposito. This is a form that the rentee and the landlord must both sign before the rentee can get his deposit back. I cannot even begin to describe the mindless red tape and BS we had to endure to get the most trivial thing done. It is the quintessential mindless inhuman government bureaucracy. After extraordinary delays and consulting with numerous functionaries, I was told I could return in 45 days to pick up my $650 check. So this first visit only accomplished my right to return in 45 days and pick up the first deposit check.
P.S. I saw a morbidly obese woman there who must have tipped the scales to at least
500lbs chowing down on a paper plate filled with some gooey, sugar packed, high caloric
desert in celebration of some functionary's happy celebration something day since
everyone in that room were stuffing their pie holes. (One of the fattest women I have ever
seen in my life) But in her case, it was unbelievable. Like a bald eagle scarfing down
DDT .
MINISTRY OF HOUSING visit #2 Dec 2
Next comes visit #2 to complete and ratify the second/new rental contract since the first
one had expired after one year and she and I had never bothered to renew it. This
probably should have been done during the first visit (above). In her case, the motive to
not renew the first contract had been undoubtedly to save money and/or to give her future
leverage over me. But now since I had no electric power, it was urgent to do the new
contract without delay and then trot it down to Union Fenosa to try to get the power
turned back on. By the way, these two govt agencies are nowhere near one another and it
is a long arduous taxi ride to go from one to the other.
I have always been under the impression that if a rentee leaves before the full term of his
contract is up that he will forfeit his entire deposit. In other words, if the contract is for a
year and you leave before a year is up, you forfeit your deposit. This is always what the
hag told me and it is not stated otherwise or at all in the MiVi contract. I didn't want to
renew for one year. I wanted to do six months to give me time to buy a car and find a
new place. So I insisted that a clause be inserted that would give me the right but not the
obligation to stay the set term and that if I left earlier, I would not be penalized by
forfeiting my deposit. The hag had added special terms to the contract but didn't want me
to add anything. We began to argue and shout at each other. I refused to sign anything.
We were then told to go to the legal department and consult with an attorney.
We went there and spoke with another functionary (turned out not to be an attorney but a
housing functionary lifer) who served somewhat as a mediator but proceeded to
lecture me pompously on the housing law. She said nothing could be added to the
contract although there is a space at the end for additional provisions which the hag had
used. In other words, it is a contract of adhesion for the gringo. However, during her
lecture on what constitutes grounds for deposit forfeiture, nothing was said about early
departure and upon asking the functionary about that, she admitted that premature
departure does not prevent the rentee from getting his full deposit back. I turned to the
hag and asked her why hadn't she told me that in the first place and saved us all this
grief? She responded with typical nastiness. By the way, she began to disparage me in
front of the functionary as being a difficult cheap gringo and I had to interrupt and defend
myself and threatened to tell the functionary the story about the toilet paper and then the
hag shut up.
Then we agreed to do the contract but MiVi refused to accept a Panamanian check. So I
had to leave and find my way to the nearest branch of my bank in an unfamiliar
neighborhood and withdraw cash that I didn't know I had needed to bring. Plus I had to
pay for $6.60 in tax stamps for the contract and had to hunt those down on the street as
well.
I finally got back in the functionary's office several hours later where the hag had been
cooling her heels and talking behind my back. I paid the cash deposit and got a receipt
but was told the original was for the landlord and I would have to get my own copy. The
new contract will be effective the first of January. I have paid my old rent through
12/22/10. So there are about 8 days unpaid for the month of December. The functionary
calculated that I would owe a prorated $94.94 for the rest of December but due no earlier
than December 22 since I am prepaid until then. I couldn't get a copy of my deposit or
other associated papers since there are no copy machines for the public in MiVi and they
will not make a copy for you. Have to get a copy elsewhere at a drug store. So the hag
had the receipt for my $550. and I had to get a copy before she "lost it" with the possibility
that she or MiVi might try to claim I had never paid it.
So now I have two deposits tied up with the Ministry of Housing.
UNION FENOSA VISIT #2
From MiVi, we headed back to Union Fenosa with the completed contract and deposit to
try to get my power turned back on. The hag said she was hungry and had to eat. I was
too angry to eat. We took a long cab ride to Plaza Obarrio and she went into Pollo Pico
or someplace to get something. I was quite hungry by then and wanted to grab a quick
hot meal cafeteria style which would have taken maybe 10 minutes for me to buy and
consume. She said we didn't have time for me to eat but she bought herself an empanada.
Food for her but not for the gringo. Keep in mind that every time she says something, it is
not in a pleasant rational manner but in a rude haughty manner like she is talking to a dog
or a servant.
We walked across the street to Union Fenosa and took a number and sat down to wait for
our number to be called. By then I was furious with her. There was an Arrocha nearby
with copy services so I asked her to give me the receipt and the other document so I could
make a copy for myself. She blew me off and said we'll copy them when we leave. I was
standing in front of her chair with her sitting down and had had enough.
--GIVE ME THE PAPERS NOW!!!!. RIGHT NOW!!! NOW, NOW, I WANT THEM
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!!!!!
Obviously, it was quite a spectacle to hear an angry gringo screaming at a woman in a
small waiting room in a government office (although I don't know if the utility company
is part of the government but it might as well be) so for once she couldn't give me the
papers fast enough. This is the only time she has ever responded to a request from me
rapidly. I snatched them and stormed out to make my copies. I returned but sat far
removed from her. Later she asked that I don't mention the pirate power line when our
number is called.
Our number was called and after much paper shuffling and copying and vueltas, I was
told everything was in order and that I would have a new power account. I had to pay a
deposit and a small service fee which the hag did not pay although this service fee is part
of what she agreed to pay as part of the move. But it was only a few dollars. Luckily for
the hag, the subject of the illegal power stealing never came up so she may have escaped
a fine. I asked when the power would be turned on. Manana the functionary said. That
was Thursday. It is now Saturday night and no power.
GOCE PACIFICO
One of the terms in the MiVi lease contract speaks to Goce Pacifico which means quiet
enjoyment of your premises. There is no goce pacifico here. The hag has a chronic hack
(cough) which advertises her approach from some distance away. Kind of like a cowbell.
Actually, that's a good thing. Plus she drags her feet when she walks. She has no hesitation
about banging on a window or a door when she wants to summon me. Then she will bark my name repeatedly four or five times while banging before I have had a chance to even get to the
door or window. (I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME,HAG).
Directly to the right is a house occupied by young male students from Boca de Toro who
have a dog that barks constantly. They also often play loud latin rap/reggaton music that is awful.
They are Chabacanos. Loud music, loud dog, loud parties. She hates it too but will do nothing
because she is scared of them. But she is real brave with the retired gringo. The back of
her property is close to Avenida Ernesto T. Lefevre which leads to Panama Vieja. There
is a dog kennel there with dogs that bark constantly. So there is constant dog barking in
the rear and to the side. I had pointed out to the MiVi functionary how this is inconsistent
with the contractual covenant of Goce Pacifico in the rental contract. Her response:
--Well, unfortunately in Panama , people don't always respect the rights of others as they
do elsewhere and there is not a whole lot we can do about it. The police won't do
anything.
THE SINK BLOCKAGE INCIDENT
Well, this happened today. I was sitting in my hot dark apartment waiting for the power
company who never arrived and I heard the telltale hack (toz) and the sandal shuffle that
foretells the arrival of the landlady from hell. I then heard her mutter something about
whether I am going to pay for the plumber to come. What the F--- now??? I open the
door and she says her sink is clogged and it is all my fault and I need to pay for a
plumber. I go to her kitchen that 3 days ago was mine and I see both dual sinks full of
water and nothing draining out. Very strange since they were working perfectly fine
when I departed three days or less ago. As usual, I had to deny any and all responsibility.
They weren't blocked when I left. In fact, I had cleaned the sinks and area around them
and the remaining dishes on the day of the move and everything drained fine. She was
rude, nasty, and bitter. I could have just told her it was her problem and left but I decided
to try and help. She had all of her stuff arranged nicely in the kitchen now and I had
noticed from the very first day of her arrival that she had lit a white candle and put it next
to the stove for some reason. Every time I had entered the kitchen the last few days to
retrieve what remained of my belongings, I had noticed this white candle burning so I
imagine it would burn for hours at a time ....or more.
I told her I was going to find out what the GD problem was (knowing it wasn't my fault
and curious to see what mystery shit she had dumped down the drain). She told me to
leave her sink alone and she would call a plumber. She didn't want me to cause anymore
damage. She knows as much about sinks as she knows about computers. By the way, the
kitchen had come with a round screen (malla) drain insert to filter out large food particles
from going into the pipes. It was there when I had left. Now it was gone. I asked her
where it was and to not blame me for stealing it because she knows full and well it is too
big to fit my now Iraqi kitchen and miniature sink. She said it must have disappeared
during the move. Lies, more lies, and damned lies.
I went under the sink and started to unfasten the plastic elbow. She had several large
vessels/containers nearby, fortunately, so I put one under the sink elbow to catch the
water and then took off the elbow. Water gushed out from the vertical pipe connected to
the sink and rapidly filled the vessel. I had to put my palm to the pipe to stop the rest of
the water (like the little Dutch Boy with the finger in the dike) so now I was stuck and
couldn't move because I then had only one hand free. I couldn't remove the vessel out
from under the sink and dump the water with one hand. I begged her to help me and she
refused and said she couldn't exert herself. She's weak and sick. I asked her to take one
of the handles of the large pot and help me lift it out from under the sink since I could still
use my left hand to lift the vessel but I couldn't do it with one hand. I was screaming at
her to help. DO YOU WANT WATER ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR???? HELP ME
PLEASE!!!! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!!! All she had to do was grab one handle and
help lift it up and out from under the sink and over onto the floor a few inches so I could
stick the other empty vessel to catch the rest of the water. It was only a few gallons. All
she did was complain and feign physically incapacity. Finally, finally, FINALLY with me
screaming at her all the time to lend a hand or have a flooded kitchen, she deigned to grab
the handle and we got it out. I then stuck the other container which filled up to the
brim with the rest of the water before finally exhausting all the water in the two sinks. I
then was able to take my hand off the pipe and carry the vessels outside and dump them.
I then turned my attention to the elbow to see what had been causing the blockage. I saw
something odd in the elbow. I banged it against the sink to dislodge it and get it out while
the hag was muttering that I was damaging her sink. Finally a small white disc popped
out that was precisely the diameter of the inside of her pipe. It was a round disc of white
candle wax about 3/8" thick. The kind of disc that might form if someone had poured hot
liquid candle wax down the drain. Does candle wax float? Maybe it encountered the
vertical water level in the pipe and then puddled and congealed to form the disc.
I put the elbow back on and turned on the water. No more blockage. I showed the hag
the white wax disc and pointed to her white candle burning a few feet away. Qué
casualidad! No? Someone apparently had poured hot white candle wax down the drain
and look! there's a white candle next to the stove. Did you do it? At that point, she
stopped blaming me but denied she had ever poured any wax down the drain. She said
the people who lived there before me were candle users. It was their fault (with the absurd
and surreal implication that it had been blocked for my entire stay there). She
grudgingly thanked me for my help and for saving her the cost of a plumber visit. I have
no doubt she poured the wax down the drain since the coincidences are too stark. She is a
totally dishonest deceitful lying wicked manipulative hag.
TAXIES
During all of these follies, we have had to take taxis to go to various places. For some
reason, she has a terrible time hailing a taxi. They just won't stop for her or when they do
and she states her destination, they just keep on trucking. It could be her appearance of
course. She is a coarse old hag. It doesn't help to be dressed for the rain with a
washcloth on your head bundled up in a black plastic garbage bag but that is not the
whole story. I normally have stood by, figuring she, having lived here all her life, should
know more about these things than gringo me. But more often than not, it ends up being
me that has to get the taxi to stop and agree to offer transporte.
Once she/we were trying to get to the Ministerio de Vivienda and that is the destination
she told the taxi drivers all of whom blew her off. I suggested that maybe stating Plaza
Edison might be more effective since not all taxi drivers may know where MiVi is. She
snorted like I was a fool. I then hailed a taxi and asked for Plaza Edison and we had a cab
at once.
I have also mentioned that it might help if she stepped closer to the curb or to where a cab
might pull over than way back under a store awning meters away. "I don't want to get
wet." When seeking passage to Parque Lefevre, instead of saying "Parque Lefevre" she
says, "la segunda parque". I have no idea where that is. And apparently neither do the
taxi drivers since they just speed off after she says that.
Once we were at that big mall in El Dorado after having visited a govt agency together
since I had to buy a shower curtain for the new hovel. My original apt had come with
them but they weren't transferable of course. Afterwards, we were looking for a cab back.
She literally must have tried her luck with 40 cabs or more with no results at all. I stood
by in disbelief. She was saying "La segunda parque" in spite of my advice to the contrary.
And those were the ones that even bothered to pause and roll down their windows. Most
of them just ignored her like she was a leper. I didn't want to be there all night so I finally
stepped up and hailed a cab and the very first cab immediately stopped. I stated Parque
Lefevre near Waikiki Aloha and the driver said yes. But then he saw I was with her and
he said he could take only one person and he sped off. ¡Verdad! Then on my second attempt, the
cab stopped, I stated our destination and he agreed to take the two of us. It's like night
and day. I asked her why it's so hard for her and easy for me. I have cara de gringo she
says.
Now she is harassing me for the $94.94 that represents the unpaid remainder pursuant to
the terms of my first contract although it represents the days from Dec 22 until the end of
the month which I won't owe until Dec 22 since my last full rent payment runs through
Dec 22.
QUASI-NORMALITY
No, I am not talking about the hag. That will never be normal. I'm talking about lights and internet and phone. The C&W guy came yesterday (12/9/10) and began to string extra cable to the rear of the vivienda where my new hovel --I mean apt -- is. The hag began to harass him and told him she didn't want cable all over the side of the house but she wanted it on top of the roof out of the way. Totally insane. I've only been here two years and I already know there is fat chance that any Panamanian utility man is going to comply with instructions to perform an arduous, capricious custom install that deviates from the norm. [Note: the side of the house is and always has been a spaghetti tangle of loose cables of all sizes and kinds since time immemorial that well pre-dates my miserable arrival. My one cable extension would be like adding one spaghetti noodle to a large serving of spaghetti already on the plate. These cables represent services for other tenants which well overwhelm my miserable little cable. Plus there is all kinds of crap and garbage lying fetid in this little strip beside the house including wheel rims and who knows what so the loose cables that are strung along the side of the house hardly detract from the ambience.] But when she began to harangue him, he went for his truck like he was going to leave and I was scared that he was just going to leave without hooking up my critical internet service, so I quickly rushed to his side and told him not to pay any attention to her, she is crazy, just ignore her. She's insane. He was the silent type and just gave me what I thought might be an understanding glance but, fortunately, he did continue with his work and didn't drive away which I considered a major blessing. When he had finished hooking up my internet, I asked for his name and number in case something went wrong. He gave me his name and number and the hag who was there saw me write it down.
One day later, the hag called (via cellphone) and requested his name and number saying there was something wrong with her phone connection and she wanted to call him. I dug up the info, wrote it on a scrap of paper and walked it up to her. After giving it to her and strongly suspecting that there was nothing wrong with her phone connection but rather the connection in her brain.... I offered to help. I went inside what had been my apt until very recently. I checked the phone connection. She had a cordless phone like mine but with far more advanced features like a screen, caller ID etc. Features I don't even have. Features that, in her case, you might as well give to a chimpanzee. She complained that she couldn't get a dial tone and blamed the installation by C&W. I saw that she had gone from phone mode to some other advanced mode on her phone based upon what was on the screen and I suggested she read the user guide that came with the phone. I might as well have asked her to study advanced nuclear physics. Although I didn't have any idea how to revert her phone to calling mode, I was able to mess with it and hang it up a few times so it reverted to dial tone mode. She thanked me. I left.
.....to be continued at Part Three
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